I grumble but at least I’m not angry. That’s the other guy
By Steve Beckow, November 28, 2023
(Golden Age of Gaia)
Coming back from being an angry person, graduating to being a troll, and later a global policeman, I find conflict to be absolutely second nature to me.
In fact I love it. I love a good fight and am disappointed when the other person backs down … in the face of my enthusiasm to just get on with it.
My default is a kind of angry vigilance, epitomized by my Dad’s teachings, “You always gotta be on the lookout. You can’t let your guard down for a minute.”
And where this angry persona or mask gets called into action is around “I want/I don’t want.”
***
“I” am the driver of the scenario. The “I” and the level of consciousness change according to circumstances unknown to me.
But if you deny me something I want or force something on me I don’t want, I respond with anger and we are, from my perspective, in conflict.
I used to think that my anger was a tool I used, to get what I wanted. But, no, now I see that it’s a reaction to something that I think stands in the way of me getting what I want or brings me what I don’t want.
I’m not using anger as a tool but as an expression of my dissatisfaction. I’m not even thinking of “getting what I want.” I’m wanting my displeasure to be known and recognized and that’s it.
Wanting to be heard I recognize as an early-childhood issue. Once heard, my anger dissolves.
I often wondered why, once I was heard, I no longer went after the item in question. I’d achieved my purpose, which was to be heard.
That’s a significant distinction for me and I want to spend time later digesting it.
Well, that’s one hurdle out of the way.
***
I see that one entry point to loosening this knot in consciousness is I can downgrade “I want” to a liking: “I like….”
I see I can reduce it further to a preference: “I’d prefer….”
I can reach a point of equanimity with it: “OK yes, OK no. I can take it or leave it. I’m fine with or without.”
Now I no longer feel the need to enter into conflict over anything.
Given that I want to eliminate conflict from my life before I begin my new life as a CEO, knowing there’s this way to eliminate it from my life shows up like great news.
The entry point and the approach that worked was to downgrade my “want” to a point of detachment so that there was nothing I was holding on to except love, truth, and peace, in the service of the Mother.