By Steve Beckow, September 15, 2023
(Golden Age of Gaia)
The Cycle of Conflict is a Relationship Killer – Part 1/2
Every relationship I’ve ever lost, I’ve lost to an inability or unwillingness on my part or someone else’s (or both) to handle conflict.
Download Leaving the Cycle of Conflict here: https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Leaving-the-Cycle-of-Conflict-17.pdf
I’m tempted to say that we don’t have “relationships.” We have connections that are wonderful to begin with and then are choked off by the cycle of conflict and die.
You hear that Jim and Jane are having troubles. Oh, they’re back together again. No, they’re having troubles again. No, they’re back. No, they’ve separated for good now.
Does that not sound familiar? I can name several couples exactly like that that I know – in fact, every couple who’ve ever separated. One of those repeat participants would be me.
No, we weren’t taught the way out in schools. I went to countless therapists, psychiatrists, etc., etc., and didn’t learn a thing.
The teachers that worked were in the growth movement. They were the ones ploughing new ground.
Ben Wong, Jock McKeen, Werner Erhard, Claude Bernier, the circuit riders, I could go on and on. I acknowledge your contribution to me. I say what I say next as the result of what you (and my guides) taught me.
Let me re-introduce my graphic here.
Conflict arises when we don’t get what we want or need and there’s no good and apparent reason why not.
Conflict arises when “delicate” subjects are avoided and yet must be addressed.
Conflict arises when one person does not care for another, not really, when people of good intent feel taken advantage of, when a person feels unlistened to, disrespected, unvalued.
When any or all of these conditions are present, we find our love for a person pitted against our desire or need for our request for support or change to be at least addressed, if not granted.
I’m only talking about those requests for support that are not listened to or not granted and we feel they should or need to be. These are at the heart of the conflict.
When the desire and the “access denied” both persist, frustration builds. The pressure of our withheld communications begins to distract us. If our intention to deliver the communication is thwarted again and again, more pressure is added.
Until something occurs that ignites an explosion. A triggering comment. A gesture or word of disrespect, a lack of appreciation, anything sets it off.
I’m serious about talking about this subject. I’d like everyone in our lightworker family here to get this cycle down to our toes. This is a relationship killer and it needn’t be happening.
We must have it be gone from our arsenal … errrr … repertoire of communicational strategies.
***
To review, first….
(Concluded in Part 2, below.)
Download Leaving the Cycle of Conflict here: https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Leaving-the-Cycle-of-Conflict-17.pdf
By Steve Beckow, September 15, 2023
(Golden Age of Gaia)
The Cycle of Conflict is a Relationship Killer – Part 2/2
(Concluded from Part 1, above.)
To review, first, what happens in this cycle is that discussion of a matter is left until one party is ready to blow. That in itself is not a great strategy.
Download Leaving the Cycle of Conflict here: https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Leaving-the-Cycle-of-Conflict-17.pdf
Communication needs to happen sooner and on a regular basis until it becomes second nature. Until it flows, as it did with us after three months of encounter at Cold Mountain Institute.
Second, we have to be committed to this process – or get out of the relationship and save those who are committed a lot of trouble.
I know what love is (1) and I know that love cannot flourish in a relationship that doesn’t handle conflict.
If you’re a drama queen, this may be the wrong nest for you. I’m only speaking to the committed. I know, I know. Tough words. But we are in the middle of a war; we need to communicate; and we can’t afford to watch frustration build in our lightworker relationships, not with a war on and a Reval coming.
Third, the speaker needs to communicate the information that’s vital. That is:
(A) How we’re feeling
(B) What we want to see happen
(C) What our situation is
(D) What role we’re willing to play
(E) What we need from the other person.
The other person needs to listen – really listen. (2) Not do two things at once. Not deny the person a face to speak to. Not be doing our shopping list in our head.
The listener now knows how the other person feels, which they can use to gauge the urgency of the situation. They know what the other person wants and what their situation is. They know what the speaker is doing and willing to do in the future about the situation and what help they need.
***
I’m only going to deal with “opening up” communication here. I’m not inspired, because that’s what’s happening, to discuss how the listener might want or need to respond to, address, or avoid conflict.
That inspiration hasn’t come through yet. You’ll be the first to know: “This just in!”
Unless a person is committed to drama, then going about communicating in a sincere and open way, without blaming or shaming, when a want or need comes up and being met and received by the other with a corresponding degree of sincerity should be enough to take the process of frustration build-up out of the relationship.
There is then the other side of the exchange: What we do with the communication. I’ll know more about that when the information comes in.
Seriously I have my overload limit. Where’s my coffee? One thing at a time here!
Download Leaving the Cycle of Conflict here: https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Leaving-the-Cycle-of-Conflict-17.pdf
Footnotes
(1) See Love Like We Never Imagined It to Be at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Love-Like-We-Never-Imagined-It-to-Be-R13.pdf
(2) See:Are You Listening? at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Are-You-Listening-R5.pdf
A Manual for Listeners at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/A-Manual-for-Listeners-R3.pdf
The Value of Listening at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/The-Value-of-Listening-3.pdf