Why this Need to Feel Special? | Steve Beckow

Why this need to feel special?

By Steve Beckow, August 4, 2023

(Golden Age of Gaia)

Oh my gawd…. In the course of practising stepping aside, I noticed that, when I the observer, stepped aside, the ego arose. And always it was the same refrain: I am special. I am special.

When I ask for the origins, following the upset clearing process, (1) I see myself in the crib, one arm tied to the right side and one arm tied to the left. Mom and Dad want me to stop scratching (because I have eczema) and they’ve wheeled me into the kitchen and left me there to wail all night.

I suppose, in response to feeling worthless, I somehow yearned to feel special. To balance off the worthlessness I had to find some grounds for being special, right? Or so a one-year-old reasoned.

Whatever the linkage or reasoning, I see this need and desire to feel special as a thread that goes throughout my life.

I get Michael’s signal for “yes.”

I’ve been aware of it at a level below conscious awareness. I’ve held onto it like a deep dark secret.

I’m driven by a need to feel special. Important. I recall Werner’s words:

You and I want our lives to matter. We want our lives to make a real difference – to be of genuine consequence in the world. (2)

That does seem to be a deep-seated urge.

Nonetheless, I’m no more special than – and every bit as special as – anyone else. No more, no less.

As monarch in my own domain, I decree: Let there be an end to seeking to feel special. Enough is enough.

In fact the only thing I think I’m probably special at is … being me.

Footnotes

(1) “How to Handle Unwanted Feelings: The Upset Clearing Process,” December 29, 2018, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2018/12/29/how-to-handle-unwanted-feelings-the-upset-clearing-process-2/.

(2) “Werner Erhard: The End of Starvation: Creating an Idea Whose Time Has Come,” May 28, 2017, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2017/05/28/werner-erhard-the-end-of-starvation-creating-an-idea-whose-time-has-come/