Well, no, not this! This is the storm.
By Steve Beckow, August 10, 2023
(Golden Age of Gaia)
My experience of dismay continues. (1)
As I remained with it and interacted with other people, I noticed a companion feeling to dismay and that was one of dread.
Boy, are deep-seated matters coming up now or what?
I have a dentist appointment at 3:30 today and I’m dreading not being ready for it.
I have several other things to get done and I’m dreading forgetting something.
Dread, dread, dread … I go around dreading something.
It’s not hard to see what it is – the back of my Dad’s hand, his putdowns, or his orders. I lived in dread of the kick under the table, the angry outburst, etc.
I’m feeling Michael’s signal for “yes” go off repeatedly. I’d best keep experiencing this….
The memories flood back.
I used to think of my Dad as a shark, who’d eat anyone when angered. He once rushed at the three of us with a knife raised over his head. My brother wrestled it out of his hand and threw him down the basement stairs. That was the end of that.
All of these memories arise. The experience needs to be at least seen and at best re-experienced to be released.
When I think of my dad, the only face I see, again and again, is a gif of him getting mad. EBS going off. All bets are off. Everybody head for the hills.
I can breathe again. A layer of muscular tension has lifted. I’m repeating myself but the truth has set me free. I need to keep emphasizing that as one of two principles that underlie this work. (2) The second principle is what you resist persists; what you re-experience disappears. (3)
And here is the ultimate irony of all this. How do I feel after the storm subsides? How do I feel as I release myself from traps I set for myself perhaps sixty-five years ago? How, after a monumental piece of work, do I feel?
I feel normal.
Normal.
What does that say?
Footnotes
(1) See “Reminiscence Interrupted – Part 2/2,” August 8, 2023, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=346723
(2) See Vasanas: Preparing For Ascension by Clearing Old Issues at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Vasanas-Preparing-for-Ascension-R3.pdf
(3) With acknowledgment on this subject to Werner Erhard.