By Steve Beckow, August 13, 2023
(Golden Age of Gaia)
I’m observing myself in ordinary interactions and I see impatience arise and flashes of anger.
When I ask someone to do something at all controversial, I assume they’re going to fight me. And I become instantly aggressive, before anything has happened, which makes them defensive, and on and on it goes.
When I look and ask where does all this come from? I see the same little boy that I know well, the runt of the litter, not listened to.
Well, lucky I’m looking and lucky I can see that. Because, if not, I’d just be another edgy boss who periodically has blowups.
And the work is too important for that.
***
I can sometimes measure my progress by looking at the way others relate to me. I notice that our vocal tone and pitch signal the other person where we’re at. At the Safeway today most people were low-key and some positively stuck in a lower vibration, as suggested by their tone and pitch.
But the reception I received from the sales staff I interacted with suggested they regarded me as relatively clean and clear. I took that as an objective reflection that all the clearing work was paying off.
I checked in with myself and, yes, there weren’t a lot of grrr’s and growls hanging around. I think I’m getting somewhere.
***
Why is this important? Am I merely preening myself? Wanting to look good and sound convincing?
Not at all. I’m conscious that, soon enough, I’ll be in charge of a fair number of companies and the time may have passed for completing some of my earlier trauma, that still influences how I act and opens me to fatal flaws and other vulnerabilities.
The work is in all seriousness and earnestness. The more automatic behavior I can eliminate, the better.
I’m not going to be running the companies. I’m not going to be evaluating complex financial questions. I’ll hire others to do that, better qualified than I am.
I’m going to be holding the vision, empowering and encouraging, and holding the space.
That’ll require increasingly more adult behavior, more humility, and more surrender than I even dream of now.
I need to be ready