A Damful of Tears | Steve Beckow

By Steve Beckow, January 21, 2023

(Golden Age of Gaia)

I’ve just become aware of the most subtle feeling, that permeates my entire experience and holds me back on all matters of initiation and self-presentation.

It blankets me. I’m feeling into it at this moment, treating it as a vasana (or core issue). (1)

It has a shade of sorrow.

—-> [A flash of realization occurs.] <—-

I got it. I didn’t even need to use the upset clearing process on it, although it would have been good to process it for educational reasons. (2)

However I got it without processing it.

This may in small part be due to how much processing I’ve done in my lifetime but I rather think the greater part is due to the rising love energies.

I didn’t even have to name the feeling. (I’m visiting the steps of the upset-clearing process anyways.) But, if I were to name it, it’d be deep and sorrowful disappointment. I see it in a flash of recognition.

It’s “never getting your hopes up too much.” It feels like carrying a heavy gymnastics mat on my back all the time – weighed down, suppressed.

I didn’t have to ask what it concerned. It’s constant, continual disappointment at my Father that he didn’t rise to the challenge and responsibility of being a father. Trips spoiled, life made miserable, always in fear of his reactions.

I feel into it. It’s as ubiquitous and subtle as the air I breathe. Tidal, atmospheric.

I feel a dam of tears backed up behind it, a lifetime of disappointment.

OK, it feels bigger than I’d be able to get at on a single pass. I’m going to ask for help on this one.

I invoke the Universal Laws of Intention, Sacred Purpose, and Above and Below and the Divine Mother and Archangel Michael to:

(1) Take away this blanketing feeling of sorrowful disappointment at my Father’s treatment.

(2) Remove all memory of it, save for benign educational purposes, and help me restore myself to love of my Father.

I hold my intention in Father God’s stillness for seventeen seconds. And then I push the feeling out to the Mother for repurposing.

My feeling changes. The sorrow begins to lift. The sorrow proves to be the glue. Without it holding everything together, the other conditions and issues follow into the Void.

Now the sorrow is mostly gone, I feel myself slowly drawing out of or coming back from that deep, but hidden, condition.

How do you think I feel now? Ecstatic? Elated?

No. Just normal. (3) This feeling of sorrow has been the guard at the gate, keeping me from feeling normal.

It hasn’t lifted completely yet. But the amount it has is allowing me, I notice, to experience love more easily.

I now don’t have to make a special occasion out of breathing love up from my heart. It comes up with the merest thought of it.

Short of Ascension, I hypothesize that, if we ignore love, love goes away. We seem to have to be at least aware of it for it to stay in this level of density we’re in.

My breathing comes easier. It’s longer. I feel more relaxed. I rest in the appreciation of just feeling normal.

Footnotes

(1) I use the word “vasana” rather than “core issue” to link a psychological notion in the West with a major Vedantic notion in the East. See https://goldengaiadb.com/index.php?title=V#Vasanas_.28Latent_Tendencies.29

Vasanas are the primary obstacle to enlightenment. Our worries, hopes, fears, anxieties, phobias, etc., as what keep us bound. These crystallize as vasanas and govern our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

(2) See “How to Handle Unwanted Feelings: The Upset Clearing Process,” December 29, 2018, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2018/12/29/how-to-handle-unwanted-feelings-the-upset-clearing-process-2/.

(3) At the enlightenment intensive and in more recent times, I’ve completed a monstrous piece of work only to emerge feeling … normal.