What be going on, lad?
By Steve Beckow, June 6, 2022
(Golden Age of Gaia)
In this latest chapter in my Ascension ethnography, having changed my vote from image management and hard bargaining to the divine qualities and their source – love – I find my life very disoriented.
I know that I can expect resistance, in the form of vasanas (core issues, memories of early childhood trauma) going off.
But even if I’ve completed many of my vasanas, I can still be sucked back in by triggered habitual reaction patterns, the children of vasanas. They have an independent existence. And that’s what I wanted to talk about here.
I constantly find myself resorting to habitual reaction patterns that work against me transitioning to the qualities. The habit patterns are familiar. I know the routine. I know the chances of success.
But since their scripted lines, gestures, and displays are taken from the vasana, they reopen the latter.
I may have completed the vasana and laid it to rest only to have the reaction pattern open the package and deploy it again.
According to Paramahansa Yogananda, it turns out that we return lifetime after lifetime, to the same situation or point to learn the same unlearned karmic lesson. And we don’t learn very much on average in any one lifetime. Our emergence from the overburden of our vasanas and reaction patterns seems to be glacial.
Without the Divine Mother and everyone else dramatically raising the vibrations of love on the planet and left to our own devices, it’d probably take a very long time, for us to ascend.
If you were to picture the situation of reincarnation on our journey from God to God, looked at face on, it’d resemble a Nautilus shell, which is why I often use this graphic:
There I am, lifetime after lifetime, returning to the same place, the same lesson: Maybe learning to put aside suspicion and conflict. Maybe learning to let down my guard a little and share myself. Perhaps learning to forsake debt and just give away whatever is excess. But, in my view, very small amounts of progress overall when the total burden of incompletions we carry is considered.
Didn’t get it this lifetime. Managed to hang on [to my ego] one more time. Made it through [with my ego intact]. Poor blokes who didn’t.
That’s how I usually am. Yes, the voice is way at the back of my mind and not taped and placed in memory, but that’s what I do all too often.
***
But what troubles me most at this moment is that, having changed my vote from social Darwinism (only the strongest survive and, by hook or by crook, I’m gonna be one of them) to the divine qualities, I’m disoriented and conflicted.
The transition from troll to angel is not all smooth sailing.
All my “normal” reactions, all functioning elements of my constructed self are now uncertain or involuntarily idle. They kick into gear of their own volition sometimes and I feel embarrassed at the leakage of constructed self or personality because they’re not divine.
I’m now beating myself up because I’m not living up to the divine qualities. So throw guilt into the mix.
This isn’t floating up to heaven. This is more like Troll Rehabilitation.
Here I am, thrashing around in the ocean. Perhaps going through my thrashing early. That seems to be the pattern.
Having the Troll wrung out of me. At least I know what I’ll find underneath. Purity and innocence. Bliss and ecstasy. Submergence in a sea of love.
That’s a good trade. Worth the inner dissonance and struggle, the strenuous birth.