I See it in Myself | Steve Beckow

Well, you get the picture. This is the emotional truth

By Steve Beckow, September 27, 2021

(Golden Age of Gaia)

This morning I observed myself as I acted mechanically, below awareness, and aggressively.

The situation was mundane. I’ve been allowing my waste paper pile to grow rather than shredding it as we go along.

It’s reached sizable proportions and I’ve come to a shred-it-now-or-never point.

I’m having a real but crazy argument with myself and I’m watching one side push its point of view. I assume that’s my Dad.

I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex and I justify it to myself with such choice phrases as no one messes with me. I never at any point realize that my vibes are attracting people of similar or congruent sorts.

It’s animal behavior. Mess with me and I’ll tear you apart. Grrrrr…. What my wife called my “scared wolf” look.

I experience the tension in my stomach. I don’t put it there. It’s already there. Speak of factors that can age us. This angry aggressiveness must be the worst.

All of this is going on below the surface. On the surface I look perfectly placid and can easily smile.

I want to emphasize that all this is transpiring over a trivial issue – should I shred this growing pile or not?

One side feels interrupted in my research and this is my standard don’t-interrupt-me rotuine. This is my Mother. And this is a rut.

The other side wants to get it done before it gets out of hand. This is my neat and efficient mariner Father. This is a second rut.

In my mind, my Mother is saying don’t interrupt our peaceful Sunday, Jack. And my Dad is saying but it must get done. And there’s forcefulness in his voice.

My Mother is passive-aggressive and my Dad is out-and-out aggressive.

I say to experience our vasanas to completion. So let me follow my own advice.

As I see more of the truth of this vasana, more of the feelings come up to be experienced. There’s more truth to go.

But I am feeling increasing release so I know I’m going in the right direction.

I notice that I switch into this Father persona at the drop of a hat. Hairpin trigger. Not on the surface, but underneath. Smouldering volcano. Wow, I see it in myself. (1)

Ok, it’s lifting now. Seeing it is causing it to lift.

Although it’s still there somewhere inside me, it’s now receded from my radar screen. I’m outside the vasana again. I’ve “recovered.” I’m “myself again.” Yayayayayayay, team!

Wow! All that over nothing. And fighting with myself. When does it stop?

Truly people of this aggressive persuasion can be left to destroy themselves. There’s no need to help them.

Conclusion: There’s no future in this line of behavior.

Footnotes

(1) I made a Freudian slip here. I originally wrote “at the drop of a fin.” Yes, My Dad’s behavior was shark-like.