Emergence: From Hell to Breakfast | Steve Beckow

By Steve Beckow, September 21, 2021

(Golden Age of Gaia)

Emergence: From Hell to Breakfast – Part 1/2

I’m having a mini-full-life review here as a result of seeing my family script. (1) The memories are flashing by.

I remembered that I liked being angry because when I got angry I fused together. I became my self again. I revelled in those moments.

When I was not angry I was this dissociated, unsure guy who went out of his way to please people. Just like my Dad.

Well, if that’s the way it was for me and I know my Dad suffered worse abuse in his family … I can appreciate why he’d be the way he was.

When I breathe into my inner musculature now, instead of it feeling rock hard, it feels as soft as butter.

With that degree of muscular holding going on routinely, I can now appreciate how it could be that my emotional range of experience seemed narrow to me.

And I can imagine how others, who’ve also experienced childhood abuse and trauma, might have a crimped range of emotional experience and expression as well.

Oh look, I can breathe again!

The release of this muscular holding I’ve been doing does not bring happiness in and of itself. It’s again a launching pad.

I’m restored to inner stillness, available for what’s next. But not catapulted into bliss. (Not yet.)

All of this has been transpiring from 2 am to 4:30 am.

***

Seeing the baseline of tension in my own body from nursing this cycle of abuse and walking in the rut it created, I can appreciate why Dad was so unaware. My family on my Dad’s side were not known for their sensitivity and awareness.

A long, long time ago I wrote a paper on the cycle of abuse but not till this moment have I experienced it or seen the impact of it on my body, mind, and feelings. I’m now realizing it, even if the realization is minor at this point rather than major.

This mechanical exterior I’ve built for myself over decades is cracking and crumbling. I’m not stirring until it’s gone.

(To be concluded tomorrow.)

Footnotes

(1) See “From Vasanas to Scripts,” September 17, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326368, “An Almost-Near Near-Death Experience,” September 18, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326397, and “I Want My Happiness Back,” September 19, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326544.



By Steve Beckow, September 22, 2021

(Golden Age of Gaia)

Emergence: From Hell to Breakfast – Part 2/2

(Concluded from Part 1, yesterday.)

You remember I mentioned that I believe everything hid shall be made known?

All of our hidden vasanas, I think, are rising to the surface. Some of them are really painful.

Here’s a painful one for me. If my family followed a cycle of abuse, and I’ve now uncovered it in myself as a rut I followed all my life, is it not logical to deduce that I played my Father’s hand in every relationship I’ve been in – sooner or later, and to a greater or lesser degree? It was after all the only movie I had in my head.

Face into that one. I do and it sweeps over me like a wave of realization.

Realization this time is not like being lifted above the surface and looking down. It was like a ring of fire that burnt through me.

Interesting.

I’ve never seen or felt awareness work like a ring of fire before. It may be the result of my invoking the universal laws yesterday and the day before. I don’t know.

I actually feel myself on the other side of the scenario now, as noticeable as if I were in the water and am now on dry land.

The “me” I now feel is entirely new. I have control of my will back. Without a need to force it on anyone. I can feel it.

Oh my. I just plain like the feel of this current state of consciousness, whatever it is. Could I please have a user’s manual? What name shall I give it?

Normality?

Yes, I think that’s what it really is. I’ve come back to center and this is what center is. For the human being, center is normality. Just plain normal.

Everything I’ve been describing is a deviation from the center, from the normal, the way a human being is supposed to function, the design parameters of karmically-productive behavior.

I’m not saying deviation is necessarily bad or even always avoidable. I’m just saying it is as surely a deviation as a temperature up or down from 98.6 degrees F is a deviation from the center, the normal temperature. There is a normal and an abnormal.

I’ve been abnormally acting out all my life.

But pondering that now will take me right back into the upset instead of savoring this moment of freedom from it. As my own listener, I won’t do that.

***

This outcome confirms my belief, as expressed in A Manual for Listeners, (1) that, if we have the opportunity to lay all the pieces out on the table, there’s a good chance realization will follow. We don’t need help. We just need a listening.

Or a writing.

I’m at peace with myself at this moment. I have no agenda. I remember a course I took called From Hell to Breakfast. That’s what it feels like. I think I’ll eat.

If I didn’t write this down, I’d never remember it a day from now. The written record needs to be the final arbiter because my memory is not at this time reliable, whereas you were here, as this was happening.

The growth I think will prove lasting but the details of how it happened are only to be found right here.

I have no idea of what to do next and no concern about it.

What is the process I just went through? In the past, I’ve called the process “emergence.” (2) Its basic premise is: The truth shall set you free.

Footnotes

(1) A Manual for Listeners at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/A-Manual-for-Listeners-R3.pdf.

(2) See “Emerge from the Shell,” February 9, 2020, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=306371 and Emergence as a Path for Lightworkers at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Emergence-as-a-Path-for-Lightworkers.pdf.