Codependency is a Focus on Others | Ivo of Vega via Sharon Stewart

Submitted to Voyages of Light on August 31, 2022

Codependency is a Focus on Others

Everyone is focused on others to some extent, however the codependent is focused on others because they require others to define them. Their self definition requires the abuse of others to exist; they require abuse to feel alive. They know how to deal with abuse. Codependents Anonymous, which is free to all who need it, says this about the codependent: “We attempted to use others – our mates, friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value and well being, and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our co-dependence.”

You're a free standing individual, yes part of a collective, but you are free standing. If you need others to define you, to occupy your mind so that you can avoid observing your own thoughts, and to try to control them in order to make them parent you, then you're codependent. It's not others' jobs to parent you. It's your own. If you had insufficient parenting as a child, it's your job to re-parent yourself as an adult. Using a program or at least seeing a shrink are good ways to learn how to do this. You have to learn what healthy behaviour is.

Many people think that codependency is like having a scab on the body. It'll heal. Just leave it be. No. Codependency is you being pushed on a gurney down the hallway of a hospital to have life saving surgery. That's how important codependency is.

For people who had parents that were scene stealers, parents who hogged all the attention and kept the focus of family life upon themselves, these children never learned how to define themselves independently of someone else. The codependent will often but not exclusively come from addicted families. There will be an alcoholic, drug addict or some otherwise addicted person who would manipulate the codependents (usually spouse and children) into providing an excuse for more drinking or other addictive behaviours. “If you weren't like that, I wouldn't have to drink!” You don't have to drink anyway, but it's not because of other people.

Because these people are unconscious they often marry or partner with people who they scapegoat. The scapegoat also tends to come from families where they were scapegoated by their parents. This is inter generational abuse and it comes about because of mind control, particularly the dark mother and king of tyranny programming. If you had parents who kept the focus of the family on themselves by creating chaos and drama, if you were ignored, neglected or abused in any way including verbal, you are probably codependent.

You don't see yourself as being capable of defining yourself without an abuser in your life. You don't like to live alone because you feel like you're nothing. You can't define yourself without a constant stream of violence, aggression and upset in your life. Being at peace and living in a calm house doesn't sound sustaining to you – it sounds awful. You don't know how to deal with peace and quiet!

The Codependent is on the victim triangle, usually as the victim however they can play the other two positions. One thing you have to know about the triangle: triangulation never stops. Because players can switch positions triangulation can go on in relationships indefinitely. What you need to do is learn to become assertive and insist on face to face, one to one conversations, not through or involving a third person.

The codependent is completely defended against knowing themselves. That's why they require a perpetrator to define them. The codependent uses the typical deflective skills of minimization, denial, gaslighting, comparison, compliance, rationalizing, justifying, avoidance and blaming in order to manage life. Does this sound like any way to live? Does this sound like thriving to you? It doesn't to me and it wasn't!

I've attached a worksheet so you can read about these defense mechanisms that we build up in childhood, and as an adult in order to function better we have to stop using them.

What this sheet doesn't mention is other defense mechanisms that the codependent uses on other people, who generally are well aware of what the codependent is trying to do, offensive behaviour like ass kissing, flattery, trying to appear as someone they're not, bribing, ingratiating themselves in some other way like financially, hiding motives and intentions, and more.

All of these defensive and offensive behaviours are manipulative and controlling skills acquired and practised in childhood in order to appease the addict/perpetrator in their lives.

Folks, people resent being treated this way. I personally don't like to be regarded as a substitute for your toxic mother. You're not living in real time, you're stuck in the past. You need to heal your childhood wounds and get present. Being able to function in the now is part of neutralizing the effect the veil of amnesia has on you and helps you to retrieve all parts of yourselves include your akashic. You get to have a better understanding of who you are when you quit behaving in this false understanding of who you're not!

Earth gave you the gift of confusion. Many people are codependent and don't even realize it. I believe codependency is the language of the Matrix. Overcoming codependency is about standing in your own power. Assertive people are far more powerful than those who use sneaky demeaning methods of trying to communicate with others. And it's a bad way to get your needs met as well, I find. People resent having to deal with codependents because they don't want to relate to you on their toxic level.

An easy test to see how codependent you are: How much time do you spend focused on others' behaviours, criticizing what they do wrong rather than what you do wrong? Yes, that's what I mean. If you've got an inner critical voice that's loud and takes every opportunity to proclaim how everyone else is wrong (and the assumption then is that you're perfect) then you're codependent.

I dealt with my codependent critic and don't hear from it much anymore. Every time she started talking I realized she was a tape recording of my mother and her insecurities and I told her to shut up. It works. This may seem discompassionate but at the time she rears her head I'm usually not in a very good mood and it's the best I can do. I have learned to have compassion for myself and for my mother who taught me to be this way.

Ivo: But this is a good point, my love. You have been taught to be that way. And anything you've been taught can be unlearned. It requires going through it to find yourself on the other side.

Me: Yes.

Ivo: There is a part of you that will not change and that is your divine essence. However there is a part of you that is malleable as it is the mind of the avatar in the lower dimensions. This is the part of you sent to earth in order to learn. What you learn can be changed.

Sharon is in the process of unlearning everything she has ever learned because it was harmful for her. She understands that she must do this because her thinking was not helping her to remember herself at all, it was hindering it.

She has taken on many beliefs on earth that others simply accept without questioning so she questions everything. She wonders why all the houses are the same in her neighbourhood, why do they all grow green grass and have paved driveways? Why all the standards? Why all the complicity? Why do people accept a working life and the need to use money without questioning it? Why are things that have no price tag seen as worthless when in fact at times they are the most worthy items there are? Why is there a need to value everything financially? Can you value the loss of a life? Yet it is attempted.

Sharon wonders why there is so much aggression. Why not the sweetness and gentleness of a still moment? Where did appreciation of the quiet go in favour of the loudness of carnivals, streets laden with cars, and stores packed with shoppers? Why entertain yourself this way when nature is so much more giving? Why is it seen as less interesting?

Me: I'd be gone in a heartbeat if I could get out there. I think even in Toronto there were more natural spots we could sit and enjoy the quiet. We used to sit and watch sailboats in Lake Ontario on sunny days. For hours. Just sitting there watching people enjoying the pathway and watching the boats. It was bliss! Absolute heaven. Now I have speed boats and RCMP officers trying to catch drug runners here. They run drugs from the U.S. to Canada over Cornwall Island. I'd give my eye teeth to watch the sailboats again. They were beautiful.

I just keep thinking, “What can I do? Where can I go?” just to sit and experience a breeze on my face and the squawking of sea gulls. I miss it. We don't have that kind of thing here. Just a small beach which they have thank God, and a few parks.

I still love a sunset. I still love the smell after it rains. Life can be so invigorating.

Ivo: Your world no longer suits you, my love.

Me: It never did, it just took me a lifetime to realize that. Others will realize that too, soon, and they'll start to make changes. Just think if you work from home or on line, then you can move anywhere and live anywhere you want. Earth will change as people realize they miss things like peace and quiet. Then they'll start doing something about it.

Ivo: Were you to understand the language of your addiction, you would understand what is missing from your life. Admittedly, many starseeds did not come to earth to have a balanced life. There often is something missing and often it is your twin flame and loving galactic families. Your way of life is missing, your ideology – that of the Law of One, is missing in all you relate to on earth. This often will set up the starseed for addictive behaviour or codependent behaviour, but when you release all of these things what you will find when you let them go is yourself. Your true self. Sharon is undergoing the last steps of this now and it is not easy for her as she must remember some very traumatizing situations she endured as a baby, however the prize is worth it. The prize is your true self and more of your own empowerment.

Me: Yes, codependency is the language of being disempowered. I'll put up a list of characterististics. Melody Beattie has good books describing the characteristics too and for those without money to spend on books, go to your local charity shop with a book section. You'll find her books there because they were very popular before, with good reason.



https://coda.org/default/assets/File/Foundational%20Documents/Patterns%20Characteristics%202011.pdf

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