Crazy ole Man | Pine Cone

I Am an Angry Man 102406

My adult son, just a few days ago, loved it after he first said "I am an angry man". He says it all the time now when he realizes he is reacting or stuck in it. He says it is the most freeing thing to know and say out loud. He says he doesn't have to go around pretending any more.

I have an extra benefit to be in hypnotherapy combined with attachment therapy. The therapist and I invented "good parents" from my imagination and we pretend together that they know just how to nurture and support any feelings I come up with under hypnosis. When they are so kind to me, I realize how very bad my parents were and new memories keep coming up because I sort of experience what nurturing could have been when I was little.

When I can compare my kid experience with the new nurturing, there is no doubt about my anger. Sometimes I get to pretend-kill my parents with torture or rockets or whatever, and it always surprises me how much relief it is. Now, instead of being angry and pretending I'm not, I say it and become happier. I find simply saying I am angry gives me a fast path to forgiveness.

Of course, you know I, all the time identify with my mirror in front of me, and I always believe God puts just the right people in front of me to learn about me by seeing myself in them. I sense that we here are very special loving people and at the same time some are scared of saying "I’m angry” without getting hurt or feeling guilty. I bet some of us are milquetoast and take a lot of crap.

One thought that comes to mind is that being ‘anger’ itself is different than being angry. When I say I am ‘anger’, I am saying I am an angry man. It's different than saying, simply, I am angry. When I say I am angry it is implying that my status is sort of normal and that occasionally I get angry. The truth is that if I am an angry person and I am not embracing this deeper awareness of more continual anger, then all I am saying is that when I am angry, I am only aware of my anger at that time. I can become aware of anger and can, still prevent myself from embracing that I am ‘anger’, as shame manifest, itself.

I find that I was able to sort of minimize my pain and anger by many methods: being a therapist and thinking I am nurturing and there for others; running a spiritual community for a year or two; teaching communication and meditation for twenty years; saying NO to abusive relationships and leaving them; talking the talk, instead of walking the walk; getting a masters in holistic studies and healing arts; immersing myself in New Age bypass; being intellectual and not realizing it; pretending in my mind that I am capable of intimacy because I can assert, and active listen very well; read in my huge library of spiritual and healing books; and on and on ad infinitum.

I am an angry man and all through these years of experiences including 12 years of chanting and meditation and recovery groups and therapy, my continual anger/fear/pain/shame kept itself hidden from me. I think I needed to subconsciously have someone close, to dump their guilt on me because down deep I believed I was a bad person when I was really just angry at me. I needed to be punished and my choices were punishing, that's for sure. I kept bossy controlling people around me and even my kids treat me bad, if they can.

There are about 20 well known traits of an alcoholic, and let's say I go to therapy with my wife and confront one of these traits at a time. Say, "I am scared of you when you rage on me". Then a couple weeks later I say, "I am angry when you lie to me”, etc. week after week and over and over again and again ad nausea. Then one friendly day, I realize that my wife is an alcoholic and that as long as she is a drunk she will have all 20 traits of an alcoholic. Confronting one trait at a time over and over is sort of a metaphor for merely being angry time after time. Now on this friendlier day, let's say I confront my wife's alcoholism and don't stay in the ineffective trap of one trait at a time, and then this would be a metaphor for being ‘anger’ and being an angry man.

One son feels a great relief saying "I am an angry man". He says this way he accepts it and forgives himself. He says he is able to see others being ‘anger’ themselves and is better able to protect himself and not get tangled up with them and use each other to blame for their mutual guilt and unhappiness. When he remembers that he lived through a divorce in an alcoholic family, wasn't nurtured, and was abused and neglected, he says to himself OK,OK, I admit it, it makes sense, it's true....I am an angry man, and all the time, not just when I'm aware of it. When he notices that someone is scared or they notice "something" angry in his manner, he now can easily say with humility and grace, "sorry, I am angry and sometimes I don't even know it."

This new easier way to live with others is good recovery and every time he makes amends he is forgiving himself more. He is accepting himself and is a lot easier to be around. Since he knows what the problem is he can get effective help to heal and change, and embracing the problem seems to motivate him to work on it with more hope and clarity. I love him and I am very comfortable and honest with him and we are both growing together. I am an angry man. I am abused. I am a sex abuse victim. I am scared of anger. I am a milquetoast. I am. I am. I am, whatever. It's a lot easier to live with an accepting attitude and get my needs met without demanding so much out of myself. I deserve to live out my life in Peace and forgiveness as a child of God like anyone else.

~

Sallow 010907

I just got "sallow" when I met Spirit and I had to look it up. What is yellow, sick and pale, of the willow? What is that? I am experiencing something that is just out of reach in the mist and I wonder if "sallow" is an offering to start to help me. It has something to do with True Forgiveness where we and everyone else are an illusion and not as vital and permanent as Spirit. Maybe that is what we all are, is sallow like the willow, all connected in a sort of dangly multitude of soggy branches experiencing matter without so much vitality as Spirit.

How do we appear from Spirit’s point of view? In Spirit, are we all connected so that I can sense the suffering of each human point of view simultaneously? Is all this just something to forgive, and if it is, is there really nothing to forgive? Does the human race stem from half a frog pond wet lawn base of bugs and crawly things all around? Maybe one thing that makes us think we are separate is that if we swoop down to the ground again we can take root around the perimeter of the grace of origin and make believe again we create the forest. What if through the eyes of spirit, we can see more the truth of less than spirit, and truth can see something different from a compassionate, forgiving mind.

I truly want to help, and my new one mind from Spirit will help me remember what I know, and maybe experience the sallow condition of venturing out and pretending. I love my body and experience a graceful languid rhythm, and see the beauty and grace in flowing branches that we are, and now I wonder if “sallow” is a beginning offer from the point of view of immortal Spirit. What a tangle it can be to walk around willow, while our feet may slosh around in, and may get stuck in the mud that supports the sallow system of mosquitoes and bugs. It is wonderful and inspiring to view Spirit from weary lives, but it may not seem so vital to see ourselves back through Spirit eyes.

~~~

Marry Holy Spirit 061812

Both, and neither, Duality gender marriage to Holy Spirit of forgiveness and Universal Love has been preceded with a pretty long engagement of many life times, but we are welcoming mastery of the Self, more as an ascended master. Please, all males forgive me for I am not betraying our feigned masculinity, but merely enjoying our male body more, without remaining wrong for macho males, and contemptuous women? Please, all females forgive me for I am not pretentious enough, to arrogantly claim as a male body, that I know how it feels to suffer the good, and bad, parts of female Duality, but merely letting go of denying my many lifetimes as a female in Duality poignancy?

Continual advanced forgiveness in prayer with Holy Spirit remains my focus, even though not even knowing where this discipline would lead has brought me to marry Holy Spirit today, finally. I’ll bet if marrying Holy Spirit had been my, only focus, like everything else of ego, focusing on ‘whatever’ will always take us further away, back toward fear, and control. Being meek to Spirit, no matter what we think matters, more than forgiveness, has led me to surrender to inclusive gentle, kind, compassion, Sovereignty, welcoming gender-free Spirit, and Unified plurality of infinite prosperity. I had a sense of something-less happening yesterday, but had no idea, that what has come is the eternal Peace, that comes from marrying Holy Spirit.

Energy, so much divisive energy, poignantly takes us away from forgiveness and Love, just pretending one generation-gender spending linear time limits buying into such arrogance of form. Letting go of narcissism begins with letting go of favoring our, own gender form, then more letting go to Holy Spirit comes when we realize that the more we ‘love’ someone of the other gender, the more we perform our, own separation-gender-intent neediness continuing. Engendered Duality takes, so much more energy, that some even claim divisive-gender into the divine Inner Realms, that only speaks to their, not willing to let go completely to Spirit, by still holding onto their special parts of exclusive form. “We don’t get to take it with us”

“I am eternal Spirit; this body is just an image; it has nothing to do with what I am”, and “You are Spirit; whole and innocent; all is forgiven and released”, both have a very special new deeper meaning for me today. “ When we make our bed, we have to LIE in it”, is another tempting nuance, that I withheld understanding before toady. I am adopting my engagement name as my marriage to Holy Spirit name today, as Jeffrey(Peace of God), Ellen(Bright Light), and Pinetree(Freedom from guilt); Jeffrey Ellen Pinetree. Since my child abuse has, so confused my letting go of fear, and guilt of separation about gender-hate, self-hate projections, and my inner civil war of divisive gender, today Holy Spirit unravels this tightened knot, so we can forgive both gender today, in the Spirit, as neither.

My Inner Child use of both gender in my Spiritual name fun is a ‘giving-the-finger’ to the whole World of Illusory-gender entrapment, so I like Pine Cone to mean the innocence of honesty in a kindness fractal, dropping Love-seeds of Truth for all gender-free Tall-soul Trees foreverywhere. Just think of it, I don’t, even identify as a human engendered, but as a freaking Tree Soul, so I have no idea what gender is, really about, and neither do Dolphins see Dolphin Angels any other way, except as gender-free Angels, without any other divisive-gender Feminazionism Dark Cabal DNC mind-control need to harm little Pine Cone seeds?

I have held onto so much fear and so much Duality guilt separating gender, that self-hate and cynicism has been my constant companion from fear, not Love and Peace. I liken today’s new freedom from fear, and cynicism to when I found out, after cracking ethnic jokes before I knew that my, real biological father was that very ethnicity, and now, so was I. As I renounce the World of fear illusion, so too do I renounce both my parents as, neither gender-need to limit my new devotion to our Heavenly gender-free Creator.

Everyone else will have to find a way to cope with my remaining married to Holy Spirit while, still pretending to remain in a male body, and this aspect will be as difficult seeming for me too. To have a friend we have to, first be a friend; to become forgiven, we have to, first forgive others; so for me to Love God, I cannot continue to hate women, or even myself as a man; Love both as neither; and so would any other good friend that marries Holy Spirit of forgiveness.

As an apprentice Avadhoot or Sannyasin during my long engagement to Holy Spirit, all I have done is to marry the idea of devotion to Holy Spirit of forgiveness, but I should have known something was up like this marriage thing when I began new intimacy, welcoming Holy Spirit in prayer as “Sweet Beloved”. I see diagrams of a fully conscious Light Being as an ascended Master like this gender-free marriage to Holy Spirit, and even though it doesn’t seem like I can be in two places at once, or transfigure at will, and become conscious of this special enlightened state, I surrender to, enough humility that in this body, I cannot deny that experiences of Peace were, not already being shared with others inside the ethereal.

All I know is that my meditation time has doubled and now tripled when I ask for our experience of Peace to be shared everywhere with everyone deep inside longer and longer meditations with Sweet Beloved. I also must admit that all my continual writing after meditations seem so guided for my own realizations, that I was only dropping bread crumbs along this forgiveness path, just in case, I one day seemed to become lost from going too far, and becoming so Spiritual that I had become no Earthly good any more. Most writers put more value on publishing than on the experience of guided writing, but my focus, or value of writing, has been from total gratitude for doing something, that I just Love doing, while remaining more connected to Holy Spirit this creative way.

Does someone have a ring? A golden Glow horizon portal ring appears when looking back through to Duality, from within the Pineal Gland experience of enlightening forgiveness meditation, and this is a God given marriage ring, that comes with every marriage to Holy Spirit. Belly laughing uproarious laughter mixing in with continual delight is dancing colors and memories of other life time experiences of Love within our one heart today; now does this sound totally like male energy, I ask you? Would that we be, so kind not to diminish such a happiness with any more suffering need, pretending ‘gender-hurrah’ for any Duality low vibration energy right now? This is not the marriage of both gender into one human, this is beyond gender, or Duality-need for separation, and fear; this is “I Am That That I am”, including both gender, all the timeless-time of neither.

The energy of inclusive intent like this is, only more kindness, and gentle compassion, so please help understand that I am not, but humbly role modeling that we, all are included herein my experience of marrying Holy Spirit. I am in as much Wonder as any other may possibly be in Wonder, and we, all would do well to Wonder what it is like to not have to be inherently shamed wrong for the other gender, and not to have to project our hiding our ‘wrong’ from low self-esteem hiding from inside our own Wonderful gender. Celebrating creation Light in Love from the single eye vision of Holy Spirit is, not the least hint of exclusive energy drain, but the infinite energy of including all infinite possibilities for the sake of our Immortal Love for, all eternity. So, “Rock on!!!”

~~~~~~

Sallying NY 030213

Today in meditation many clearer visions presented to me, but this one brings me to write about an old Sallow post of sogginess, and yellowing sorry sickness, combined with sallying NY as a sort of warning about something important. New York is home to the stock market money exploiters, and they are sick right now and about to go down and collapse. NY does stick out from the rest of the land like a sally, and really is under a World wide attack from every other corner of our fiat money sufferers all over the World.

Water submerging also comes to me as if NY would go under from some natural disaster sort of thing. If a sortie were more like a hawk darting out at NY, like when they eat an insect from out of seeming nowhere, then NY may become a surprise target, so we will see? Some people say city dwellers become detached from their feelings and caring for each other, and lose their connection with conscience and Spirit, as they deny more build up of fear, and guilt of separation, so that describes what sallow meant for me before, as sort of a weakened yellow sickness.

Now I will embrace the sallying of NY, and the meaning of sallow from before in me, and see what comes. I had an earthquake sort of revelation recently about, just how badly our male genocide is omniscient, so malicious, and murderous. After beginning a complete devotion to a vegan diet, this denial must have been what was kept down by still eating death(meat). “OMG it’s a lot worse than I have ever been able to see before yesterday.” Male genocide is alive and well, and is hidden best in cities, where no one has feelings, or communicates well without continual distractions.

Not only are women killing men, en masse, their agendas against men are so rampart, that women are not just working for the elite, but really are the elite working to annihilate men in a male genocide. Women call the police all the time at any angry whim against men, and the police work directly for the elite, so female contempt for men is the ‘sallow of Spirit’ malevolence, that is my sortie today from my male bump on the land sallying NY. I am really aghast about not wanting anything more to do with social norms, regular life, engender-fried mortals, or any dominant normalcy bias any where on engendered Earth.

I am surrendering to my, also carrying this infestation self-hating male gene, and I embrace my complicity in every facet of my old life here as a willing Stockholm Syndrome victim of atrocious narcissistic worship of women’s malicious omniscient malevolence. I have been asleep from first becoming a male sex-slave to my Matriarch mother, and grandmother. Sexual mutilation and 4 point restraints only exposed my deep well of rage against such common sex abuse, then my neutering from enraged man-hating Matriarchs especially sent home my life of self-blame, and Toxic shame.

During childhood I witnessed constant hate crimes against my step-father from two impossible pedophiles that lived, like all women, way above any law to protect little boys, and men. I was teased, ridiculed, humiliated and exploited until so desensitized, that it has taken over 6 decades of recovery from thousands of replications over, and over again, until today’s Sallying NY sallow soul sickness revealing itself to me this way. Manipulating women made sure I never knew my biological father, never was the biological father of 4 of my ‘own’ kids, and have/had no parental rights of kids or now, grandkids, and none of this falls completely on the cause of our Satanic/Catholic/Masonic/ secret Gov’t Dark Cabal.

Not only do women commit continual Blackmail on men and kids, they lose their connection to conscience as they increase their hate to drown their guilt of hate, to make more man-hate possible. I am sick about my own yellow sally today and am as sallow as any woman ever thought of being as yellow with such desperate lack of Spirit Conscience. Women are not the problem, all humans carry this yellow disease infestation of undead virus Zombie shrugging malevolence.

No wonder I kept eating meat so long, I was eating my own meat right off my lilly-whitened Spirit dried useless bones. There is nothing to fix, remember; and there isn’t one damn thing anyone can do to change any of this; only Heaven can decree such relief from our carnivorous ways. I am helpless except to turn within, even more, and swallow my own sallow, as I invite more Love than ever, to reach into my emerging heart of new compassion for all.

I love you all with all my heart, and I am listening for all of us without reacting, except for this sally about our centralization herding on bulging NY; out there, and in here in me too. Women use police, and health services for exactly what they were designed for; to round up and kill any runaway slaves, that even dare to complain about their self emasculation women-driven sallying. I am going deep inside on this one so, “See ya, boys and girls! And I’ll see ya in Ascension Spring ~~~ later! ~~~ Don’t get your feet wet!”

~~~~~~~~~

Crazy ole Man 110218

It’s such a relief to see myself from other’s safe-perspective, as just a “Crazy ole Man”, that’s really hurting, and needs our pity, so what comes now is to stop self-disclosing right out in front of God, and everyone because unless anyone repeats what I mean back to me, there remains, only more communication of separation-suffering shame-manifest judgment.

S(he) be gone silent seems the best thing for others, as well as myself, so as Gender-anger manifested from humiliating shame-ridicule’s perspective, I bow humbly to my True Self within to help protect shame-woe manifest-anger turned within on itself, where censuring-shame always has an angry face.

I am sorry for projecting my anger out, all over Creation, as if I want of nothing from Duality’s self-demise when, really all my vulnerable self-disclosures come from re-living immoral battering beat down beat down beat down soul splattering denied traumas to the power of Mother Earth Mafia-evil Money-matrix. I’m losing it again, aren’t I?

Just like admitting I am ‘anger’, not just occasionally angry, I am a Crazy ole Man, not just occasionally crazy, and it does me a World of good to forgive this way like a cat piles up dead mice right up to it’s owner’s door. Now that’s gotta be Crazy self-pity talking, right ole Man-say? I’m, actually considering if this Mother Matrix censures me Crazy, then it’s gotta be a ‘good sign’ I’m, really onto something, right? Only shame-stain, and visible anger manifests, so maybe it’s a ‘good thing’ to stop pretending I’m invisible? Now that’s Crazy! So here I sit, so kind-hearted censured, rhyming my ass-off, even before we, let go-on me started.

I have a sense of wanting to post, while scared to death to, not post, and remain alone again, so will I, or will the, other guy do God’s will, to let me off the hook, before I starve to death on Mother Earth for some, more fishy-intimate Queen Ann’s Lace Love Ocean Foamy-form fluffy-up ole-salt tear-tapestry? I ‘will’ now, so it’s, all up to the other Holy Spirit Kind-guy, to put me outta my One drip-pity misery ‘Will’, or not.