October 24, 2018
By Steve Beckow
My ego/mind is going nuts without loneliness. I hear:
How will I know I’m alive if I don’t feel pain? Surely I’ll blend in with the wallpaper.
Pain is the cost of feeling alive.
Nothing lasts. We lose in the end. Everything ends in goodbye.
You can’t trust anyone. You can’t rely on anyone. You have to rely on yourself.
The inner messages come pouring in, in favor of keeping loneliness in place.
Loneliness became an identity for me probably when Dad “left” me – emotionally – at a very early age – when he first shouted at me or slapped me or shook me back and forth, probably, and couldn’t handle the guilt and disappointment with himself.
Loneliness then became a constant friend and I had to rationalize its presence and my preference for it. These (above) were my rationales, which now come to the aid of the preservation of loneliness. I thought Maria Erving described the process very well. (1) I recognized myself in what she wrote.
I know I court loneliness by courting solitude. But I keep doing it. I don’t change.
Well, I know why. Being a writer requires a great deal of solitude, I find. Loneliness is an occupational hazard. It’s only one of many similarly-unwanted conditions.
I imagine all unwanted conditions and painful circumstances could be looked at as identities or constructed selves, formed at a very early age, which now are comfortable and familiar. And so we continue using them without questioning.
Nevertheless, who I am at the very deepest levels has nothing to do with loneliness or hatred, resentment, jealousy, or any of the other painful and unwanted conditions left over from childhood (“core wounds,” Mateo Sol called them). (2)
The Self, that “resides” in the heart, is – and this applies to all of us – innocent and pure, natural and sweet. These painful feelings sit on top of it, so to speak. (3) They’re like overburden. And that’s all that sits on top of the Self. (4). Psssst! There is no original sin. There’s only original innocence.
I no longer believe that all the vasanas have to go. Enough have to go that we’re in charge of ourselves; we have ourselves in hand. Then we can begin the journey inward.
Getting underneath what the Buddha called “the obfuscations” and realizing the Self will elevate the mood of the planet, I think, contributing enormously to Gaia’s Ascension, as Sanat Kumara indicates: “The limitation of core issues, the expansion into love – all of this is changing the world that you live in.” (5)
Use whatever means you know of to clear away the rubble from your past. Don’t be dragging around Morley’s chain. However you do it is fine.
Dive deep into the heart with your awareness, using any kind of visualization that you can – diver, elevator, inner spaceship. With your awareness/imagination, go underneath the vasanas, just as you would by going down a very long elevator.
Then begin by every visualization possible, to dive into the depths of the heart. As Ramakrishna said, the only thing you need to remember – and do – is: Go deeper. Go deeper. Go deeper.
Footnotes
(1) “Maria Erving: Falling Back Into Duality (Spiritual Awakening Process),” October 13, 2018, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=296539
(2) “Mateo Sol: How to Discover Your Deepest, Darkest ‘Core Wound,'” October 13, 2018, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2018/10/13/296536/
(3) One can only describe the situation metaphorically.
(4) Everything is so complicated. But we mustn’t overlook the fact that that overburden resides on several levels: It resides as thoughts, feelings, conclusions, decisions, and reinforcement (Remember not to do this; remember to do that, etc.). It isn’t a case of handling only the ideas; there may be residual feelings and core issues.
(5) “Transcript: Sanat Kumara ~ Ascension: Your New Tomorrow, Right Now ~ September 17, 2015,” athttp://goldenageofgaia.com/2015/09/20/transcript-sanat-kumara-ascension-your-new-tomorrow-right-now-sept-17-2015/.
Source: Golden Age of Gaia